Typewriters + Tea

55. If.

2009-11-22T00:00:00.000-08:00

What a shame, we become such fragile, broken things.

54. Sixteenth.

2009-11-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

I have made up my mind that turning sixteen is not really a big deal after all.

It feels just like any other day except that people probably give you extra attention.

Facebook wall posts, text messages at midnight, tweets, surprises, phone calls, presents (!!!) , plenty of cake, hugs, kisses.

Fikaa calling me a few minutes before twelve in a mission to be the first to wish me a happy birthday was a great start.

I am so touched that she made an effort to ring me up from a country away.

Contrary to the fact that our conversation turned out to be a really amusing one.

Nadiah came knocking at my door first thing in the morning, surprising me, with a homemade cake in hand.

I sure am surrounded by the best people in life.

It has undoubtedly been an eventful year but just like the leaves, things fall and change.

Nevertheless, thank you all who wished me a happy birthday, I am beyond grateful that people remembered.

53. Crash and burn kind of girl.

2009-11-18T01:39:00.000-08:00

She says nothing at all but simply stares upward into the dark sky and watches, with sad eyes, the slow dance of the infinite stars.

52. I make my bed with the stars above my head.

2009-11-17T02:00:00.000-08:00

Ever get that feeling where you just want to lay out in the grass with your arms under your head and just look at the stars?

So many people looked at them before we did and if they made it, I can too. Even though the whole world seems scary. I have been getting that a lot lately.

I will be camping beneath the stars tomorrow morning at the small hill in front of my house to catch the annual Leonids. Apparently, the astronomers predict that this year will be the most dramatic. The meteor showers will occur between two to five in the morning and hopefully, it will not rain tonight. I really want to be able to witness a meteor shower at least once in my life. Before I die. I need this - getting away from my life's mundane troubles, time alone, only with the wonders that the night sky has to offer.

51. The stars will rise again.

2009-11-15T01:36:00.000-08:00

I like the stars. It is like the illusion of permanence, I think. I mean, they are always flaring up and caving in and going out.

From here, I can pretend… I can pretend that things last. I can pretend that lives last longer than moments. Worlds do not last and stars and galaxies are transient, fleeting things that twinkle like fireflies and vanish into cold and dust. Yet, I can pretend.

Neil Geiman.

50. Thunder.

2009-11-12T01:35:00.000-08:00

The sky opened up and started pouring rain, like it knew it was time to start things over again.

49. Warwick Avenue, for an hour or two.

2009-11-10T01:35:00.000-08:00

It would not be soon before long, now.

I have a future set for me in my head.

I refuse to let it go because where else would we be if we could not dream?

I will not be stuck here for the rest of my life.

I can slam my head against the rough wood of this table a thousand times over, I can flail my arms about in frustration.

I will grit my teeth and if it gets hard, I will scream through them.

Yet, I will never give up.

That place, it may be we have never been there before but that is home.

Our days will seem endless - bare feet, breakfast in bed, brogues.

We will bury ourselves in books, sip our tea and indulge in intellectual conversations on literature.

Watch the birds fly past the Big Ben.

I am leaving town and taking you with me.

All the way to London.

48. Time is what we want most but what we use worst.

2009-11-08T01:34:00.000-08:00

Crisp leaves, coffee shops and plaid scarves.

Cool wind, photographs and skies full of stars.

I cannot help but love it when it starts to rain heavily.

I was just by my window breathing in the air from the rain and listening to the sound of it. Lovely.

I wish it would rain again like this tomorrow even though, yes, I am aware of global warming and it should be sunny.

I am also aware that it is three in the morning and it is time to go to sleep.
This may sound overly cliche but honestly, time really has not been on our side.

In just two days the national examinations will end and freedom will finally be ours to reign.

I have started turning to a real journal ever since about a month ago.

The words seem to flow much easier in my thick black typewriter print rather than the pixels that make up the text on the screen.

I need tea and a new novel to read now.

47. Motion City Soundtrack.

2009-10-25T01:33:00.000-07:00

you are the echoes of my everything
you are the emptiness the whole world sings at night
you are the laziness of afternoon
you are the reason why i burst and why i bloom
you are the leaky sink of sentiment
you are the failed attempts i never could forget
you are the metaphors i cannot create
to comprehend this curse that i call love

46. Like diamonds in the dark.

2009-10-02T01:32:00.000-07:00

My home is in pieces around the globe.

Not here.

One day, I will drop everything and in that moment of spontaneity, I shall throw a dart to a map and book the first flight to wherever it lands.
Antartica. India. London. Anywhere in the whole wide world.
No planning and organising - so unlike myself - just following my head and my heart, wherever it will take me.
That will be my only opportunity to start anew and even though it may be either too early or late but no one will care.
I will be wondering, searching, looking - for what?

I do not know.

What I do know is that my calendar is counting the days till this dream becomes a reality.

45. Amin.

2009-09-19T01:30:00.000-07:00

Syawal is fast approaching and the atmosphere around me is bursting with euphoria.

Everyone is feeling the excitement this year.

Even though the national exams are fast approaching, nothing can stop me from making the best out of this occasion.

One more day of fasting and that is it - the day of forgiveness.

Time flies so fast, too quickly even.

I am not ready for a whole new beginning just yet.

Hearing the takbir each day, I could break into tears because of its sentimentality.

The takbir soothes me every single time.

A rush of nostalgia will rush over me each time it plays over the radio because of its serenity and tranquility.

Unlike most Muslims, who are desperately waiting for this holy month to end, I will miss Ramadan.

It is the only time when me and my whole family really get together.

Once everything resumes back to normal, there will be no more of all that.

Especially eating together at the dinner table early in the morning for sahur and when the sun sets during mahgrib.

These are the times that mean the most to me for this month and everything else cannot even overshadow that.

Ramadan is not simply about fasting but the feeling of satisfaction that comes from starving.

I am so proud of myself for managing to do that this year willingly and to get closer to God.

I know I have my own opinions about my religion that may come across as agnostic but it is really not like that.

I may not be the most spiritual and religious person ever, I sin.

Except I now understand why it is called the holy month and the reason there is a higher being.

It is so hard to lose your way in this long road called life and having a belief can lead you to the right path.

I count my blessings everyday and am so thankful for everything that is given to me by Him. Syukur alhamdullilah.

44. Syawal.

2009-09-05T01:30:00.000-07:00

Life has been fine lately, there is always the day to day challenges that come and go but nothing overly important to comment on.

I have been extremely busy with school and the workload has left me with little time for blogging.

Studying 24/7 at the moment in preparation for the major examinations that starts in end of October.

Though it is really essential in getting those good marks desired, I am losing sleep over it.

My grades are stressing me like mad as well and we all tend to act weirdly sometimes too, I blame the sleep deprivation.

September holidays are here but it will not feel like one because of all the supplementary lessons.

I need to keep reminding myself that all these sacrifices will be worth it in the end.

On the other hand, good news!

The fasting month have been going along great and today is already the eighteenth day.

Amazing... as cliche as this sounds, time really do fly by quickly.

Another twelve more days and the whole world will finally welcome Syawal.

Besides, the weight loss is another positive gain as well.

I decided to change my blog song again and thought that the current one will be appropriate.

After all, it is the festive season and times like these are few and far in between with all the ongoing examinations.

Sometimes we forget what really matters and hence, we must take advantage of the situation.

Raya is for bonding with family and friends, forgiving and forgetting.

Yet we must not forget those who are less fortunate than us and must always remember to keep them in our thoughts and prayers.

God bless.

43. The golden ticket.

2009-08-28T01:29:00.000-07:00

42. You can pray for sunny weather.

2009-08-26T01:28:00.000-07:00

Cloud cover and drizzle.

Today is a day for wearing cute warm clothes and sweaters and snuggling with someone you love.

There is no sunlight shining down on us and it has been overcast for days.

I feel foggy inside and it creeps in my mind.

Nothing is fulfilling anymore, I am just going through the motions every single day and it gets me nowhere.

How do you control yourself, when you really want to do something that you know would be catastrophic?

41. Not enough.

2009-08-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

How could I? How could I? How could I?

Stop asking me this question over and over again because you have no idea what this mind is capable of.

Yes, I know what you think of me - cunning, evil, manipulative.

Blair Waldorf would have nothing on me.

At least, I am not gullible nor allow people to step all over me.

God! I am so sick of this conversation.

Confrontation is not likely to happen anytime soon.

It is not that I do not care either way and it is not like I do not have sadness and empathy for those that have been hurt.

It is the fasting month, so forget it already, will you?

This is a slippery slope. People are hurt by others everyday.

Altough, we have to be objective.

Regardless of our personal situations, we have to take the high road.

We must not blame every person who resembles the person who hurt us or others we care for.

We cannot go about convicting people without proof or evidence.

Why don't you put your energy into volunteering for causes instead?

Where you can help people that are victims of these situations or organizations that fight this type of crime?

You do not know me and you will not ever know the situation unless you were involved firsthand.

So stop trying to act like you are so convinced that you know the truth.

Unless you are also willing to admit that you can possibly be wrong, I do not want to hear a damn thing you have to say.

Let us all agree to disagree and stop arguing over a situation that the rest of you have no personal stake in.

40. City skylines.

2009-08-24T01:26:00.000-07:00

You put the clouds aside, illuminate the sky.

Through every dark and hazy night, you are my guide.

For every town we find, we will paint a new skyline.

We will always wake up in a different place and time.

As we begin descending faster than illumination.

You hold me steady. You turn the ocean tide. You shake me up inside.

39. Ramadhan.

2009-08-20T01:25:00.000-07:00

During Ramadan, Muslims ask forgiveness for past sins and pray for guidance.

They refrain from everyday evils and try to purify themselves through self-restraint and good deeds.

Alright, the above two sentences were adapted from Wikipedia.

The holy month is finally here after quite a long wait.

I intend to take advantage of this time the best that, I possibly can so as to not waste anymore time.

May Allah accept our fasting, forgive our sins and guide us all to the right path.

38. We are all knights at the battlefield.

2009-08-19T01:24:00.000-07:00

People are subjected to judgement.

I think that degrading someone else's virtue is immoral.
So stop, even if you think that by tacking a disclaimer onto it makes it okay.
It is still wrong, especially when you do not know this person and have no way of knowing their story.
Their story could be heartbreaking, tragic and make everyday a battle.
So when you see their vices, do not turn your chin up and put a cold hand on their shoulder.

Don't you dare see them as anything less than what they are, do not underestimate their ability.
They are strong and courageous because they cannot hide who they are.
The faults that apparently characterize them, from your point of view, are displayed for the world to see and make of it whatever it will.
Their bare soul is exposed and you have no right to attack their vulnerability.
Love is not best conveyed through unjust judgment.

I have plunged myself in yet another hole, only deeper.
Throughout the past two years of my life, I realised that we human beings are great pretenders.
We save ourselves first from the blunders we make rather than empathising the people we hurt along the way.

Everyone has unseen dragons to fight, even you.

37. Wish you were here.

2009-08-15T01:23:00.000-07:00

It's funny how things, they change, the clouds they part, rearrange for me

Faces of strangers, I have no familiars to help me see

Where is home? I want you to know

That I wish you were here, I wish you were here

Sometimes I wonder if God hides out in cities to set us free

36. This could not be more accurate.

2009-08-13T01:22:00.000-07:00

Feel it falling off like clothing

Taste it rolling on your tongue

See the lights above you glowing and breathe them deep into your lungs

It was always simple, not hidden hard

You have been pulling at the strings, playing puppeteer for kings and you have had enough

You have been listening for answers

Yet the city screams and all your dreams go unheard

35. Girls just wanna have fun!

2009-08-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

Time has been going really fast for me lately and it is quite a weird feeling.

This has led to my laziness in not posting, my bad.

All these pictures were snapped about a few weeks ago, quite surreal really, at how well they have turned out.

I went out with the girls to catch the fireworks at Esplanade's Theaters By The Bay.

There were so many people everywhere, from the train stations right to the malls, especially at the Marina Square.

It was really chaotic, everything was in a frenzy and it was all in good fun, while they lasted at least. The whole show was undoubtedly the best, every single segment. I especially enjoyed the cannons, the fireworks and the water show. Our night turned out awesome in the end and all of us managed to just chill and take a short break from studying. I think all four of us ended up feeling high yet exhausted at the same time. Most roads were closed after that and the human traffic was terrible, since it was right after the National Day Parade Preview! After dinner with them at Raffles City, I took the train and reached home quite late, together with Nadiah.

All I could think of was taking a quick bath and lying on my bed at that moment. Nevertheless, I truly enjoyed myself that evening, especially with the great company. I really am looking forward to more trips like this together with them right after the examinations.

34. Mixtape.

2009-07-30T01:17:00.000-07:00

Songs I'm listening to and loving at the moment, just because:

01. Chase Coy - Together With The Sun Down

02. Cobra Starship & Leighton Meester - Good Girls Go Bad

03. Hey Hi Hello! - Don't Quit! Not Quite!

04. Lily Allen - 22

05. Katy Perry - Fingerprints

06. Marina & The Diamonds - I Am Not A Robot

07. Parachute - Oh, It's Love

08. Pierce The Veil - She Makes Dirty Words Sound Pretty

09. Lenka - Knock Knock

10. 3OH!3- Neatfreak 47

33. Indigo.

2009-07-20T01:15:00.000-07:00

How tired, I am, of the unbearable distance between us

How I long for the toll of the recess bell

Have you forgotten me?

Grown mindless of me?

Tell me I am not writing into an abyss

Or that is what will become of my heart

32. Nurul Nadiah.

2009-07-18T09:14:00.000-07:00

Happy sweet sixteenth birthday, Nurul Nadiah.

I really hope you were genuinely shocked and touched by the mini surprise celebration.

Fikaa and me planned it way in advance although the location was not supposed to be in school.

Nevertheless, I wish you success in your future endeavors!

I will always support you in whatever it is you do, including your dream of starting your very own business.

31. Solitary.

2009-07-10T00:30:00.000-07:00

we allow our ignorance to prevail upon us and make us think we can survive alone,
alone in patches,
alone in groups,
alone in races,
even alone in genders.

Maya Angelou

30. With great success comes great responsibility.

2009-07-01T01:00:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am tired of feeling so restrained.
It is so hard and time-consuming to keep up my defenses at all times.
I am so tired of having to deal with my inner demons until, I can barely breathe.
Everywhere, there are always guidelines and rules.
There is always someone out there who is out to get you, resenting, manipulative.

How can people exist in this society?

I am sick of what we exist for everyday, why we take our every breaths.
I am tired of always being embarrassed and of feeling awkward.
What is the point of existing?
To what, work? For what? To work more in college and go through more tests?
Even after graduation, you are stuck in the everyday work work, with no vacation.
So the point of all this is because?

Money.

We cannot simply exist without it.
You are kidding yourself if you say that money does not bring happiness.
It brings us pleasure but at the same time it can either break us or make us.

I cannot even breathe in my own home.
Not in the presence of others.
Even then, my fears would not go away.
They will stay inside, bottled up until, I can hardly stand them.
That forces me to solve them or to walk away.

More problems always appear anyway.
Now until forever.
These memories; the haunting memories that leave me crippled and unable to dream...
Sometimes I regret taking this path, I reflect, I realize.
There is no way out of it but the truth.

I forget.

There are bumps on the road I am walking on.
Problems will come up in time and will never stop shooting at me like bullets.
Sometimes, I am deeply surprised.
I find myself caring and yet at the same time, uncaring.
There are no rules in this game of life.

Every man, woman, for his, her self.

However, every action has a consequence and karma is always there.
Ready to bite you in the ass.
As I sit spontaneously typing these words up, I realize that nothing ever is going to change.
Nothing is ever going to happen just because of me alone.
I promise myself that, I will try hard and do whatever it takes to be remembered and never forgotten.
I want to be written down in those grand books of history.
I will be great.

One day, that one day, I will look back to here.
I will realize, I will learn, I will appreciate everyone who had brought me there.
That, all along, had been the secret you fight, never give in and you do it all, somehow.

You learn to live in your path of life.

29. Gone too soon.

2009-06-28T01:10:00.000-07:00

Like a comet blazing across the evening sky
Gone too soon

Like the loss of sunlight on a cloudy afternoon
Gone too soon

Like a perfect flower that is just beyond your reach
Gone too soon

Born to amuse, to inspire, to delight
Here one day, gone one night

"Gone Too Soon" - Michael Jackson

28. The day that music died.

2009-06-26T01:00:00.000-07:00

What heartbreaking news... I am in complete and utter shock.
This so unreal, I am still stunned and literally speechless... There are no words for this.
Which one of us have never grown up without listening to his music, after all?

As a true fan throughout his highs and lows, this was the most unexpected news ever.
I am surprised at how sadden I am by the passing of Michael.
I was never one of those who had anything negative to say about him.
He was not even a freak, never "Wacko Jacko."
It is like the end of an era.

The saddest thing is that somehow along the way, people forgot about who he truly was.
He was the greatest entertainer of all time and his art is to be appreciated.
Now all of a sudden people are saying good things about him, not remembering the person they ridiculed.
I have never believed that he had it in him to hurt anyone and that he had the kindest intentions at heart.
I just think he had a very different outlook on life due to the way he was raised.

He carried a huge burden from a very young age and it in part shaped who he was as a man.
Michael was never a "normal" kid and he was treated as an oddity.
Should it surprise us he grew up to be far from what we consider "normal"?
Who of us could be hounded by so much media and publicity, would not be a little strange?
He was a victim of people wanting to use his kindness against him for money.

None of us really know the truth behind this man.
He was attracted to kids as an equal, as a childlike soul himself, not in any perverted way.
Not one child ever came out and said, specifically, that he molested them.
It was always the parents.
Do I think it could have been true? Yes and no.

It was obvious that after all those allegations, he started dying inside.
That impacted his creativity and ultimately impacted his music.
His entire life has been played out in front of all of us, from the time he was just five years old.
How many of you think you could have handled that and come out okay on the other side?
He has been dealing with this crap for forty five years, in addition to putting up with his family woes.
We really cannot forget the troubled life that he lived, that all of us bear witness to.

He was the most succesful artist for the last few decades and simply one of the very best of all times.
He brought a new dimension to music and entertainment, I will remember him for that.
He made milestones in the music industry and put it to a different level.
One that will never be reached again.
Despite all the weird stories, the accusations and rumours about his life...

He is yet another one of the great ones that died too soon.
His legacy will live on in the heart of his fans and many generations to come.
Michael Jackson and his music is truly an inspiration, he will always be greatly missed and never forgotten.

He is, after all, forevermore, Peter Pan.

27. Gossip Girl.

2009-06-23T01:06:00.000-07:00

So.

Here I am again, finally!
I just wanted to post something, anything, since it has been quite sometime.
Most probably tomorrow, I am going to blog about my outings with the girls.
My holidays have been really boring and usually spent in solitude.
I have not been out much this month and most of the time, I am at home.

Gossip Girl marathons all by myself every single day.
By night fall, my eyes will hurt and my butt will ache...
Just by staring at my laptop screen and sitting on the computer chair all day.
Now I am going back to watch Gossip Girl, Season 2, Episode 22.
I am even armed with a full tub of chocolate and strawberry ice-cream!

Yeah, what a pathetic life, right?

P.S. Chuck & Blair totally deserve each other!

26. Twitter.

2009-06-20T01:05:00.000-07:00

It truly feels like as if, I have abandoned this blog of mine.
I have been absent for almost a month and nothing exciting has even happened.
My days are mostly spent at home and still, it does not feel like a holiday at all.
I am not complaining, I am thankful enough to be given this short break even.
I really do not need any more reminders that school will reopen next week.

Anyway, I tweet daily, so follow me instead at Twitter: www.twitter.com/eyragraphy

25. The miles seems pretty far but they have got planes and trains and cars.

2009-06-04T00:00:00.000-07:00

It is already June.

We had said that we would keep in touch.
Yet touch is not something you can keep - as soon as it is gone, it is gone.
We should have said we would keep in words.
Since they are all we can string between us now.
Words through a telephone line, words appearing on a screen, words written on pieces of paper.

I am really too jaded to be doing this: missing places and those who inhabit them.
Or even obsessively keeping track of time zone differences.
As if that were the only thing that could separate people, as if it were that simple.
So very far away, doesn't anybody stay in one place anymore?

24. To taste the life of the rich and famous.

2009-05-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

Last week, we got our mid-year examinations results back.
I honestly think that the teachers say the same damn thing every single meet-the-parents session.
My marks were far from satisfying although there was little progress in my cut-off points.
Who cares, though, right?
Improvement, no matter how big or small it is, is never of importance.
It does not count unless there is actually a pass in the subject.

What is the point of me studying so hard for when it never seem to make a difference anyway?
I am still failing some of my subjects, as always.
I did a lot of thinking today, wondering about what does the future hold for all of us.
For me.
Am I going to make it through school, proud with whatever has been done, happy with my grades?

Will I continue to hate, or will learn to forgive those of you who have hurt me so bad?
Will I stay in love with the people and things that are dear to me?
Will I grow up to have a family?
Will I get married?
Am I just going to have a job or have a real career doing something that, I love?

We spend our whole lives worrying about the future, planning for the future, trying to predict the future.
As if figuring it out will cushion the blow but the future is always changing.
The future is the home of our deepest fears and wildest hopes.
One thing is certain when it finally reveals itself:
The future is hardly the way we imagined it.

Whenever I tell people of my aspirations and desires, I can tell they are judging me.
Especially when, I explain regarding the courses that interest me or the school that, I intend to study at.
I want to do so many things in my life and have already began planning ahead.
At the same time, I am not absolutely sure exactly what, I want to do.
I just want to be able to have the choice to either do it or not.

I want to see the whole wide word.
I want to meet every single person breathing on this Earth.
I want to make someone's life a little easier and lessen their burden some way or another.
I want to give everyone a hug, or a handshake.
I want to be absolutely ridiculous before I die.

I do not want regrets.

Yet, now, even the most motivational quote or poster is not able to make me feel better.
There are so many boundaries but so little opportunities.
Especially if you do not have either a high education, fame or money.
The rich get richer and the poor get poorer.
What a sad, screwed up world we live in.

I want to stand for something.

23. There is a whirlwind in my head.

2009-05-28T00:00:00.000-07:00

I miss you, even if you do stupid drum solos on any available surface you can find that would annoy me to no end.

22. Loveology.

2009-05-25T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Mother Tongue Intensive lessons began today.
This means that the national examinations will begin in exactly a week from now for Malay.
I am far from ready but at the same time, I just want to get it over and done with.
The only good thing about this is that the lessons will be held at the library.
The weather has been unbearable these past few days, I hate how humid it gets at noon.

Anyway, I just wanted to blog about a certain matter.

On Saturday, I had tuition at school early in the morning as always.
All of us were talking about random topics and somehow the conversation turned into religion.
It started from sharing ghost stories and tales on black magic, I think.
I mentioned to my teacher how in my honest opinion, I think that all religions should live in harmony with each other.
You know, coexist with one another.

She then said that the purpose of religion is to convert people.
The fact that we are lucky to be born into this particular religion.
Those who were born into different beliefs need to find the correct path to lead them back.
Well, my frank point of view is that... screw that shit.
So many wars have been fault due to bigoted people who believe that their religion is better than everyone else's.

Too many people have died and suffered because of all these.
"Islam" is my religion and although not in the traditional sense, I do consider myself as a Muslim.
I honestly do believe in a higher power.

Still.

I mean, I do admit that the purpose of religion is for the belief in divinity to enable you to live your life the fullest.
In the most meaningful and worthwhile way.
To achieve that, you must not sin and by praying and remembering God.
I just think that it is very stupid to have the mindset that just because somebody is different from you...
You cannot mix with them and be friends.

It is just like racism, although this digs a little deeper.
Every religion believes that theirs is better than the rest, they are the only true one, the ultimate.
It makes living in this world so much more confusing, plus each and every one of us are somehow connected.So, what is that supposed to mean then?
If I were to be a religious person, it would mean that, I am not allowed to date as well.
I must tutup aurat at all times and not give the opposite sex any reason to be attracted to me.I do believe in gay marriage though - you fall in love with the person, not the gender.
Although, the most uncanny thing is this:

I am forbidden to listen to music.

In this twenty-first century, this is practically impossible!
I know what most people would think if they read this post.
That I am part of the generation that has no more morals and no devotion and faith towards God.
I do, I do have the utmost faith in Him.
Although I sin a lot all the time does not make me an entirely bad person, does it?
Well, that is entirely my judgment, I am purely putting it regard as true based on my opinion.
Maybe I am just in denial though.
The elders all seem to think that as long as we do not obey and follow, it makes us as bad as the devil.Right.

21. Obsessive.

2009-05-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the last day of the mid-year examinations.
After all these while burning the midnight oil and burying my nose in books...
I can eventually take a break, albeit a short one, from studying.
I skipped school today and it honestly surprised me to see some of my classmates online.
Yeah, we are all guilty of ditching school for no acceptable reason.

Fikaa and me finally managed to do our special dance after Art.
It is like our tradition or something, we have been doing it for years now.
Simply to mark the end of any test or examination, no matter how a big or small deal it is.

Currently, I am munching on cornflakes with milk and chatting with Nadiah.
Another person caught giving school a miss today as well.
We are doing online personality tests and quizzes...
It really is very addictive.
Although, the creepiest thing is this:

You are a perfectionist and ninety-four percent obsessive.
You are at high risk for being a psychopath and for obsessive compulsive disorder.
It is very likely that you have no soul.
You are a chaotic mess.
It is somewhat likely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

Um... What?!

20. When did sex, drugs and rock and roll become AIDS, crack and techno?

2009-05-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I really do need to update this blog of mine more often.
Two times this week, I wrote a few pages worth of an update and then ended up deleting it.
What I write about is always so convoluted and self-conscious.
I keep on writing and then realize it makes absolutely no sense at all.
This entry is really going to make me sound like a whiny bitch.

School, as always, have been taking up a lot of my time especially with the ongoing examinations.
I really should stop complaining about my schedule but it must be done.
Something like unleashing your inner anger and all that in a positive way.
Five more papers left and the pathetic thing is, I have barely started on my prep work for Art.
The semester is almost done and there will be a short break in a few weeks' time.

I am looking forward to it although for sure, there will still be obligations related to school.
How unfortunate. Honestly, I think nine out of ten of my blog entries are about school.I promise to shut up about it now.

19. In your eyes, I would like to stay.

2009-05-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Three papers left, so much more to go.

Every single time I step into the examination hall, my mind keeps on repeating this mantra:
Please don't let the fan fall, please don't let the fan fall, please don't let the fan fall...
Apparently, according to one of the teachers that is, the newly installed fan including its blades can fall down easily.

Today is the first paper for English, it was fairly easy even though there was time constraint as always.
I think my essay was not too shabby and that it turned out alright, although the idea was not that original.
It is based on the music video by my favourite song from Katy Perry - Thinking Of You.
My mind was blank and bursting with so much information that needs to be covered for other subjects.
I even included my favourite line from the lyrics:

"How do I deserve better - Once I have had the best?"

18. Take this to heart.

2009-05-01T00:50:00.000-07:00

How fast does time flies? It is already May.

I have not been blogging for quite some time and probably will not for awhile more.
I have been absolutely busy, busy, busy.
Mid-year examinations are starting from this Thursday.
The only good thing about this is that the second school term is ending.
Which also means the holidays are arriving soon...

Although, it will not feel like a holiday at all because the graduating students still need to study like crazy.
O' Levels are approaching in a matter of only a few months - five, to be exact.
I am far from ready.
It was pouring early in the morning today, I was practically freezing in the bus ride on the way to school.
The warm weather have been unbearable for these past few weeks, it feels more like a heat wave to me.
I love rainy, overcast days like these though.

It makes everything feel new, albeit temporarily.

18. April.

2009-04-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

I know this space here has been quite blank for a while now, so is my mind.
Lately, I often myself staring into blank space during random times throughout the day.
Zoning out and not thinking about anything in particular, yet a myriad of different things at the same time.

School has been conquering my life even more than usual lately, what with the upcoming mid-year examinations.
All the teachers are rushing to complete the syllabus in time so the seniors will have more time for revision.
They always keep on repeating the same things when we refuse to cooperate in class; they begin to talk about our future.
I am absolutely sick of hearing them continously carry on a conversation with us about our plans after graduation.
They seem to think that we need a daily reminder that the national examinations are merely a few months away.

As if it is even possible to forget about it.

I hate this feeling.
Like I am absolutely here but actually, I am there.
Like someone sincerely cares but in truth they do not.
Like I belong somewhere else, anywhere but here and escape lies just past that window, warm and humid as the air during April.
I considered the streets beyond, bleak as the bleached bones of wilderness scaffolding my heart.
Just a stone’s throw away, yet it feels a million miles away.

17. 2 AM.

2009-04-13T02:00:00.000-07:00

We know it is never simple, never easy, never a clean break, no one here to save me
People are people and sometimes we change our minds but it is killing me to see you go after all this time
It is two a.m. and feeling like, I just lost a friend and nothing we say is going to save us from the fall out

- Breathe by Taylor Swift

That moment of tangled limbs and sweat soaked bodies felt like a lifetime ago.
He shakes his head as he listens to her cry, the silent sobs penetrating his very soul.
The past is like a dream now, a memory of something wonderful that once existed.
In this moment of transience they seek distraction in one another, they seek comfort and escape.
Perhaps it is wrong but it is just a small crime.

There is no love. There is no hate. There is only now and that is enough.

16. Apologies, glances and messed up chances.

2009-04-11T00:44:00.000-07:00

I am at the airport right now, typing this entry with numb fingers while waiting for my flight to Kuala Lumpur.
My flight has just been delayed to the late afternoon due to the bad weather.
Hence, I decided to take advantage of the free internet connection here.

Looking around at all the people arriving and departing, hurrying in between transits, somehow reminded me of you.
The fact that you are approximately fourteen thousand and six hundred kilometers away from me at this moment.
I am still stuck here after all these while and yet you are currently in the States.
So many questions have been running through my mind...
Although, I am absolutely skeptic that there ever will be answers from you.

How have you been anyway?
Is it much better there with the perpetual chilly weather than the unbearable heat here?
How is it like there in Denver, Colorado?

You left this place without mentioning more than a few words to me.
I did not even have a chance and more time to convince you to stay because you have made up your mind.
You agreed to stay with your father even after the falling out you two had years ago as an attempt to reconcile a lost cause.
I never seem to be able to understand you and your decisions.
Now you have gone away and we are not able to make any more compromises.

Will you even read this?
I doubt you ever will because it seems as if we are a wasted effort too.
A few months ago, I told you: Though miles may soon come between us... when you go, do not forget to write.
You used to read this blog of mine diligently everyday yet now you are hardly online anymore.
That just seems to be too much to ask.

Please do come back home, when all the places and all the faces have gotten old.

I miss you.

15. This too shall pass.

2009-03-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Days like today makes it seem as if everything that could go wrong, has gone wrong.
The world weeps for itself on days like this and you stretch and stare to find the things that make it worthwhile.
At least it is not boring, you keep telling yourself that.
Perspective is nine tenths of everything.
Or it could all be just a matter of semantics, I am not sure.

Tomorrow is the first day of April. I guess the joke is on me, huh?

14. Gone

2009-03-23T00:00:00.000-07:00

I really wish the holidays will never end and will just keep going, going, going...

I find joy in waking up every morning, feeling comfortable and warm.
Cuddled up in between fluffy pillows and beneath a thick duvet - it is like my own personal Eden.
Especially with the fact in mind that there is no need for me to rush for anything at all.

The moment when you first wake up in the morning is the most wonderful of the twenty-four hours.
It does not matter how weary or dreary you may feel.
You will always possess the certainty that during the day that lies before you, absolutely anything may happen.
The fact that it practically always does not, matters not a jot.
The possibility is always there.

13. Tidiness.

2009-03-20T00:00:00.000-07:00

I seriously think that majority of my life is spent with me constantly tidying my room.
During the term break, I devoted entire days to clean and neaten my room.
I wonder how I had gotten so disorganised lately.

So much as finding dirty mismatched socks, rough pieces of paper and just plain junk under my bed.
My precious books are all piled in a random way all over my room now.
It used to be methodized by genre, height and colour.
Once, keeping the vacuum cleaner lines even on the carpet in my room was second nature.
Now I cannot even be bothered to do that, choosing to roll up my rug and keeping it in the storeroom.

Had I been in some sort of fugue state?
Restoring order to my personal universe suddenly seemed imperative now.
I grouped my clothes by colour, refolded my t-shirts and stuffed the toes of my shoes with tissue paper.
I even aligned the money bills in my secret stash box by code, facing the same way.
Instead of tossing it in a sloppy and wild way, as if by my evil twin.

Now my room is neat and organised in an orderly fashion.
Yet somehow, somewhere, down the line, it will get messy again - give or take a week or two.
Sometimes I know the reason why.
It could be the lack of space or too much clutter from hoarding too much nostalgic stuff.
I am a pack rat, keeping things in order to be more frugal or because of its sentimentality.

All week, I kept making lists and crossing things off them.
Ending each day with a great sense of accomplishment eclipsed only by complete and total exhaustion.
It is a great feeling though, the thought of attaining a good outcome despite failing at other things.

Maybe I am just a natural born messy girl.
Although I try my very hardest not to be and surprisingly, I do succeed, most of the time.
Emphasis on the phrase 'most of the time.'
Hopefully my room will stay this tidy for quite awhile.
I do not have that much free time to spend it on (trying) to clean up my room.

12. Right?

2009-03-13T00:00:00.000-07:00

School is out after a term of consistently studying and doing nothing else much besides that.
Just a short one-week break then it is back to hitting the books once again.
Dropping out of school has never been an option but lately, the thought of giving up has been on my mind.
I did my best and put in a lot of effort to revise for the examinations everyday, yet the results were still disappointing.
Well, most things in life does that, so it should have been no surprise.

Or to be more specific, I am the one who have always managed to disappoint everyone without much effort.
I look at my mathematics test paper and secretly feel glad.
Since this is what you do, right?

You notice all the bs and cs, especially the fs but never seem to be able to catch the as or a*s.
You would ignore the compliments on my report, choosing to focus on the negative remarks.
I cannot even remember the last time you praised me, or even gave me a thumbs-up, a pat on the head.
Once, I got ninety-seven over a hundred for my science, you asked me what happened to the other three marks.
So this is what you have done to me, right?

You only visit whenever you miss me, which is very rare.
Still, you would only stay for a few awkward hours.
What about me then? What about the times when, I am missing you instead? What about, right?

11. Give him your heart and he will give you his.

2009-03-01T00:35:00.000-08:00

Common Test Week has left as quickly as it came and everyone in school are anxiously waiting for the results.
Lately, school has been really unbearable.
What with the boring lessons, long hours, humid weather and the commotion by my classmates.
Just last week some of them got mad at me for not emptying the trash can since it was my duty.
I was not deliberately acting as a brat and it bothered me that they got outraged over that petty matter.

Honestly, people, please speak for yourself.
If you were assigned to that task, would you do it willingly? I doubt so.
Our discipline master has even made it clear it was a job to be done by the boys, not the girls.

I am not nonchalant to the things around me.
I know what some of you think of me and probably the things you say behind my back.
Like that trash can incident, even when some of you spoke in Chinese, I am not so stupid as you might think.
I do understand, albeit with difficulty, that you were chastising and reprimanding me.
Half a year of all these drama left... I am so glad it is already March.

On another topic altogether, Fikaa and me watched Marley & Me.
Almost everyone in the cinema cried after the movie ended, not me though, of course.
This is a tender-hearted, easy-going film that will appeal to any dog-lover.
The next movie we are going to watch this upcoming Friday?
He's Just Not That Into You.

10. Young folks.

2009-02-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

Listening to: A Little Bit Longer - Nick Jonas

Life is going at such a fast pace, it is so difficult to catch up sometimes.

I am already tired of this lifestyle, running around with barely any time to think.
Geez, I keep on repeating this almost every single time.
The only thing that keeps me going each day is the thought of graduation, which is merely a few months away.
Whenever I look back it is like all of a sudden, bam, I am in secondary school.
Everyone's drinking, experimenting, smoking, partying and God knows what else.

Fridays and weekends have been quite fun, mostly just hanging out with Fikaa.
I feel a tradition in the making! We made a point not to do any work on Fridays.
Instead we would do something fun and splurge on nonessential stuff.
Last month we watched Bride Wars... it is indeed a brilliant movie to watch with your best friend.
We need to cut down on our spending though, even though we have not felt the toll of the recession yet.

Still, you know what they say, it is better to be safe than sorry.

9. Valentine's.

2009-02-14T00:00:00.000-08:00

8. Wishful thinking.

2009-02-10T00:30:00.000-08:00

Note to self:
Stop when you start daydreaming and begin to think such ludicrous thoughts.
Especially when your mind suddenly starts to takes you elsewhere - to another place, to another time. "This time last year..."

I swear that you don't have to go, I thought we could wait for the fireworks
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
Another night, another dream wasted on you
If I died right now you'd never be the same...

7. Routines

2009-02-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

It's already the first of February.
How time flies... nothing has changed much and it's still just the same old, same old.
I hate that, I miss the spontaneity I used to have surrounding me.
The impulse to do something fun yet stupid just for kicks.
The adrenaline of breaking the rules, the danger of trying something you have never done before, like every breath is new.

I am not ready for all this adversity and pressure, the urgency to finish the school syllabus and make plans for the future.
All these demands and responsibilities, they are beginning to drive me mad.
School is merely a habitual activity but it feels as if this cycle have been going on for ages.
It hasn't been that long but 2008 already seems so far away.
I wonder where those days went? A whole year, wasted, just like that.

Life is slowly turning into an aimless routine these days but then again, I am not surprised.
Now it is time to hit the books again and put other things that are not of great importance aside for a while.
How delightful.

6. Our own personal form of Hell.

2009-01-05T00:00:00.000-08:00

Today is the first day of school after about two months of holiday and it feels weird to be wearing the green uniform again.
No more late nights and waking up in the middle of the day, starting from now my alarm clock is set to five o' clock.
A whole new year yet with the same old routines all over again.
I hate feeling like this, as if my life is a daily cycle of endless studying and heavy workload, especially being my senior year.
Graduation could not come soon enough.

Realization finally dawned on me today, that this will be the most important year of our lives.
I hope it is not too late for me to start paying attention in class and handing up homework in time.
Looking back, years of building up my bad habits make it more difficult to break now.
It makes me regret not being a good student earlier.
Shame on me.

5. Here's 2008 in a nutshell.

2008-12-31T00:00:00.000-08:00

It is finally that time of the year again... isn't it?
The paranoia of the new year that is fast approaching, mixed with excitement as well as despair.
It is always difficult to summarise the entire year in one single entry, even though there is so much to say.
This year was indeed a very interesting one.
More memorable than last year's albeit the drama that unfolded between a certain circle of friends.

Another year, another new start.

How time flies, 2009 is almost here and nothing will ever be the same again after the clock strikes twelve tonight.
Let's face it, I have changed; we have all changed.
Some for the better and some for the worst.
Even though we have changed, we all know that even through it all, no matter where this world takes us and what happens...
We will still be the same person we once were deep down inside.

That is because it is not the changes that matter, it is how you react to the changes.
Somewhere between school break and school starting, we have all gone our own directions.
Hearts were broken, friendships diminished, love were found and new people came into our lives.

2009 will be a whole new year.
New happiness, new sadness, new struggles, new styles, new trends, new friendships, new loves and new laughs.
Yet still the same old drama that surrounds us like any other year.
Next year will be the ultimate catalyst of change, I will be sitting the most important examination that determines my future.
So here is to making the best of this beginning and just have a blast.

4. Fighting to hold on, fighting to let go.

2008-12-28T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sometimes we sit back and remember the way things used to be.
Memories that lie in our hearts, stabbing us like a knife.
Part of us wishes they would go away but part of us does not want to forget.

The days we loved so much went by so fast and the next thing we know, they are gone forever.

3. Knowledge exists to be imparted. - Emerson

2008-12-26T00:00:00.000-08:00

School is starting so it is time to bring out the black hair dye bottles yet again.
Back to waking up five thirty in the morning.
I made a decision not to do any of my holiday assignments.

I am absolutely not looking forward to school at all.
Who would want another year of chaos, conflicts, drama, emotions, labels, gossips and rumours all over again?
It seems like someone pressed restart again when most people have been enjoying the temporary pause of all these.
I am so annoyed and fed up of all these high school calamity.
The only thing that keeps me going is the company of great friends and the fact that this will be my final year.

2009 is coming much too soon, the world seriously needs to slow down.

Being a senior in the school holds absolutely no relish for me, unlike most of my fellow cohort mates most probably.
I am sure the year will past by very fast... that is also one of the things that holds such a high appeal for me.
The future seems so far away right now but the year will most probably go by like a blur.

P.S. Happy Boxing Day!

2. Merry XXXmas!

2008-12-25T00:00:00.000-08:00

1. Time

2008-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Whether you want it to or not, time takes it all away, time bares it away.
In the end, there is only darkness.
Sometimes we find others in that darkness and sometimes we lose them there again.

- Stephen King